Big Joe’s Weekly Tips for Teens

Ladies, can we talk?  Your pants are really starting to piss me off. 

They’re too damn tight and too damn low.  What do they call it . . . coin slot?  Jesus!  Where are you learning this?  It’s that Katy Perry, isn’t it?  Or those burnt out Pussycat Dolls.  Talk about your low-rent districts. 

You need to start looking up to someone else.  That mom from the “Gilmore Girls” has a good look.  Beyonce seems to keep it classy. 

And then there’s sweet, sweet Nancy Pelosi. 

Hey, say what you will about her politicking, but the woman can dress.  Nancy, if I liked Italians at all, I’d swoop in on you with some Dean Martin albums and cheap wine . . . and you’d like it. ;) 

My point is this, girls: You gotta lot of time to tart it up when you’re older.  In the privacy of your own home.  With your husband or life partner – whatever works for you.  (Except for that polygamy crap.  That’s just weird.)

Now fellas, I’m gonna give you the straight dope about something really important next Sunday.

Have a good week at school!