On Vacations and Naps

How do I convince my husband that, even though we are living at the poverty level, we can still afford to go to Costa Rica?   Jacqueline, Bangor, Maine

First of all, I never met a Jacqueline that was bad looking or hated a good time.  Are there some that need to shave their necks before they spend all day clipping coupons?  Don’t think so. 

Second, you gotta sell him with images, sweetheart. 

I want you to do this:  Go to Google.  Click on “Images.”  Type “tropical paradise” and click.  Boom!  Look at all those choices, eh?  Print one.  Now, find a picture of the two of you.  Nothing dirty.  Most guys actually prefer classy pics of their brides. 

Tape that photo of you crazy kids onto your stolen paradise image.  Leave it all on his nightstand — or if you are living at the poverty level, the milk crate in which he stores his meth.  Then leave a frosty beer next to it (If you’re really, really poor, go ahead and steal one.  Won’t be the first or last time.)  Tape a piece a paper to the beer. 

What does it say on the paper?  “Bienvenidos a Costa Rica.”  Next thing you know, he’s selling plasma twice a week to save up.  Good luck, Jacqueline!  Send me a postcard!

Are naps healthy?  Glenn, Boston

First off Glenn, I’m not selling you scrod and calling it lobster.  I don’t nap. 

Why?  There’s a shit-ton of Americans that need jobs, boss.  I can’t just sit back in the afternoon with the latest Harry Potter book and take a quick trip to dream town.  Christ, if Mitch McConnell and Limbaugh found out, they’d tear me three new assholes.   

Plus, if I nap on vacation, the rest of my day is shot.  I wake up and my stomach feels weird.  Gotta drink one of those Monster energy drinks to stay awake. 

And sometimes I get the runs.  Is it from the sleep or the Monster?  Shit if I know.  Chicken or the egg, right?

However, I checked with the surgeon general, Dr. Regina Benjamin.  She says they’re fine, and I trust her. 

At least the president trusts her.  I don’t want to get into it, but I thought Sanjay Gupta should’ve taken the job.  But he’s a journalist.  All that medical school and he wants to be some tan Wolf Blitzer on the search for outbreak monkeys.   What an asshole.   That’s right, Sanjay.  I said it.