On Cats and Trains

My neighbor has several cats that are not neutered or spayed and they keep having kittens.  The stray kittens keep hanging around my house.  I have to take them to the shelter, which costs me thirty bucks and is a forty-mile drive. I’m a compassionate guy, but this is getting expensive and annoying. What should I do?  Roger, Livingston, Louisiana

You probably didn’t know this, Roger, but yours truly is a cat guy.  Love!  Them!

The wife and I have four kitties: Admiral Cuddles, Wally Whiskers, Jack Bauer and Polly Paws.  In fact, here’s a picture of my desk at my home office:

That’s my lucky stuffed cat, Delaware Daisy.

In fact, your president and I had lunch at the Cracker Barrel a week after the inauguration.  He was telling me how the girls wanted a dog, and how he promised them one.  But my boss wasn’t sure if he really wanted a dog.   

I said, “Mr. President, let’s cut the bullshit.  You know cats are better than dogs.”

Out of nowhere, your president lit up inside and asked, “You’re a cat guy, too?”  I said yes, and then we did that asinine fist-bump thing for the sixteenth time in an hour.  Then he went back to helping people, or doing math, or whatever the hell he does. 

But back to you, Roger.  I think you’re gonna have to shoot your neighbors’ cats. 

Given that you are an avid train enthusiast, how do I introduce my daughter to the exciting world of model railroading?   Matt, Scotia, New York

Matt, you gotta get her started early.  Get on a nearby commuter train.  Let her see the sites.  The wondrous woods, the small townships along those great rails.  Maybe the ticket-taker will let her wear his hat.

But don’t just take my word for it.  It seems that Denzel Washington is America’s new train guy.  He’s got that new P.O.S. coming out with the kid from Star Trek.  He did that other P.O.S. remake of Pelham 123 with Travolta.  When will this shit show end?  Does he even read scripts anymore, or does he show up to the set and say, “Who ordered the gravitas?”   

Remember how Ted Turner spent money to colorize old black and white films?  Well, Condi Rice called me yesterday with this gossip – Ted Turner’s gonna put trains in all of Denzel’s old movies.  I shit you not.  Turner lost a football bet to Denzel.  It’s a done deal.   

So now The Bone Collector will be on a train.  Denzel still can’t use his arms or legs, but Queen Latifah is now a nurse and she drives the train. 

Philadelphia?  Now it takes place on the Orient Express.  Tom Hanks is out; Thomas the Train is in.   How the hell does a cartoon train get AIDS?